i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
