i don't like sucking hair
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
