Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
