Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
