I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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