Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
