So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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