Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
