worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
