this just has baby written all over it
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
