My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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