If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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