I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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