mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
