When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
