I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
