Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
