i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
