I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
