She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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