Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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