Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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