Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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