the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
