I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
