At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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