Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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