I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
