Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
