Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
