Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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