Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
