Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
