saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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