i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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