I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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