Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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