In the future we'll all be gay
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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