I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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