I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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