dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i came on her dog
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
