I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
