He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
