i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
