I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
