im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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