A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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