I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
