So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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