I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
