A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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